I recently took a quiz to learn my “death archetype” which revealed a regret that I have “spent more time on personal growth and pursuits than on relationships.” Now I realize personality quizzes are often flawed and reductively simplistic, but I really bristled at this one because it didn’t address the “why” of my self improvement efforts and implied a conscious preference for Zumba or Spanish class over hanging with friends. Yes, I turned vegetarian and picked up yoga as a teenager after witnessing my mother’s hospitalizations for alcohol and diet induced pancreatitis and then dying at 58 of lung cancer after 42 years of smoking. I joined the self help movement and diet culture early to avoid her fate and get good, healthy, smart and pretty enough. I pursued advanced degrees and certifications to round out my Public Health skill set and proudly carried my tool box around the world ready to fix whenever something broke. My career trajectory was focused on helping people help themselves so that they could be present to their own lives and thus their loved ones as well. I thought these “personal growth pursuits” would help me be better person and thus, succeed in relationships not avoid them, thank you, very much.
So why am I feeling so defensive? I’m certainly not alone in practicing self care. The global Wellness Industrial Complex is worth $6.3 billion dollars according to Bloomberg, larger than the pharmaceutical industry. Wellness is promoted everywhere from employee work/life balance programs to supplements, pillowcases, high rise “airlift” leggings, red light lamps, $750 laser hair removers and believe it or not, hydrating water bottles. (Don’t ask!) In an increasingly complex and scary world it makes sense to focus on getting better sleep, nutrition, physical activity and stress management. But I wonder if we’re doing so at the cost of our social connections, our community, our inter-personal life rafts. I’ve been marvelously healthy my entire life, but I don’t prefer workouts or black bean brownies to the feeling of engagement with a loved one.
Still stewing about my quiz result. And probably because I now see a slightly misguided bent in my efforts to find happiness through physical health improvement. As an insecure and basically shy person, I remember so many social invitations in my 20’s turned down because I feared not having the right food available. I went to bed early while others partied so I could run 6 miles every morning before work. I obsessed about my thighs, thinking if I got really fit I would somehow attract the right mate. After break-ups or family dysfunction I just kept trying to “better” myself. But as a natural introvert, it was always easier to pursue solitary hobbies than risk rejection and heart break with other humans.
Pursuing wellness of the body for all these years may have well cost me social opportunities where I could have learned that I was likable no matter what I ate or how many downward dogs I could do. Trying to fix my looks, my conversation style or my psychic energy level might indeed have taken misguided precedence over risking the lack of control and vulnerability that comes with risking and maintaining relationships. Given the cultural messaging of my youth and young adulthood, however, what did I know? And what do any of us know when we’re bombarded with wellness messaging that promises impossible outcomes as we try to manage life? The extreme goal of perfection in any area precludes finding the possible pleasure of simply being in the present moment. And trusting that we, wonderful warts and all, are enough.
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As always, love your posts…they always make me reflect. Thank you!