Feeling Unsettled
Where Food Finds its Foothold
There are those days in which everything flows in the directions one wishes. The weather offers a comfortable environment in which to walk. The schedule has enough space between “to-do’s” to amble loosely. The personas one encounters are on their own even keel as doors open and close willingly. The surprise redbird on a cactus has landed at just the right moment to catch your eye and fill you with delight. Those days are the ones where I feel most connected to the universe as it truly is in the moment, not as I would wish it to be in some perfect “vision board” version of a different reality. And then, there are those times when nothing goes as planned, where obstacles to the simplest efforts feel like boulders rather than pebbles to be easily kicked out of the way, where the zeitgeist and general emotional flavor of the humans around you is sour and curdled. That’s when I experience a complete loss of appetite while simultaneously craving sugar.
The day that Mexico’s lead cartel boss was assassinated by this country’s army and our small town was advised to “shelter in place” as roving criminals set cars on fires in other cities was a day where I also felt under personal attack by person in a work situation. I wasn’t worried at all about car bombs in the street but more about another verbal barrage from a colleague with an aggressive and emotionally stunted style of communication. I’m a people pleaser and someone who sees this kind of behavior as a suit of armor protecting a terribly hurt “inner child” who’s never learned how to self soothe, so I can put up with a lot of “ugly.” But this day I was loathing having to see them again while also worrying that my partner would safely arrive in town if the highways from our airport were shut down. I knew I needed to eat before meeting with my nemesis but had no desire for food. An empty stomach would not help me face either situation so I forced down a dry piece of bread and some cheese and arrived at my work situation with loins girded for another dressing down.
While driven to my meeting I asked the taxi driver if he knew what was going on with the Mexico shut down and was surprised by his calm response. It was early in the day and official statements were just beginning to arrive through social media and word of WhatsApp’s mouth. We chatted while looking around at the normal day playing out on the street around us and it felt like another world from what people watching TV and various social media reels must have been reacting to. I was in the pleasant moment of feeling connected to a calm person, then dumped back into my meeting with the other whose need for control turns every situation into a confrontation. Once again, I survived, and then left in search of a coffee/chocolate fix.
My partner arrived safely with no problems and proceeded to prepare a meal in our 1960’s dusty, dented, under provisioned Airbnb kitchen. My empty finally belly woke up at the smell of home cooking for the first time in weeks as onions and garlic snapped and danced in their butter bath. I dumped my report of the day’s confrontation with the “demon” as I hungrily nibbled on bread and cheese that hours earlier would have begged for my attention. We sat on the roof patio and enjoyed the view over a plate of lovingly seared tuna, tenderly tossed pasta and brightly, slightly boiled broccoli that crunched between the teeth. My nerves regulated, my imagination returned to the safety of the here and now and how food (in community) once again became the answer to a heart that was simply hungry for the validation of a loved one. I wonder if all relationships were so nourishing might we have more compassion and acts of kindness in the world, rather than those driven by desperation, fear and loneliness?
Introduction to Mindful Eating Authentic Living Support
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